Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
What is the difference between men and women?
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
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4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
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6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
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4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
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6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
1) What is the difference between women and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
2) Why do women always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
3) What do women have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.
4) If you drop a women and a brick out of a plane,which one would
hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????.. ...
5) What did God say after he created woman?
(This ones THE BEST)
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created man
6) What's the difference between an intelligent woman & a UFO ?
Answer:I don't know, I've never seen either.
7) What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
Answers: i) no mind ii) no business
8) What makes women chase men when they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles when they have
no intention of driving (The Best in the lot)
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of
$5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new
outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his
computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she
loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and
reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she
loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
think like a man . . .
(look down for the answer)
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* > > > > > > > He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
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* > > > > > > > Men are Men.... Obviously!!!
- Don't ever lie to us, we alwayz find out.
- We don't enjoy talking dirty as much as much as you enjoy listening
- Don't say you understand when you don't
- Girls are pretty, but yours is the prettiest.
- You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what its like.
- Saying something sweet might get you off the hook;doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
- We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anyhting else you and your friends talk about.
- We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big
- Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
- Its good to be sensitive, sometimes.
- If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
- Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
- We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
- We are DrAmA queens.
- Shave! no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or moustache looks, we hate it.
- Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart or emittother strange gases from your body, it is not.
- We will always think we are fat; so humor us and tell us we aren't.
- Don't make bets about us; we always find out.
- We are beautiful at all times.
- Most importantly; we are always right; so don't forget.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes". The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your
wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times !"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you". The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine". So,
KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good ! =)
Male readers: Please read down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife !!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1.Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.See a doctor.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not wor th the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
