The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer..

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed..

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work..'

This happened abruptly…… a man in the thirties was in a lonely place as he used to admire the beauties of nature…..

Another man suddenly came from nowhere a dagger in his hand and he hit him violently piercing his belly, his dagger getting the other part at the back……. It was a long arm pointed, razor like….

The wounded man holding his belly, bleeding, looked in the eyes of the one who hit him interrogatively…… the killer was shocked on looking at his prey and says..” oh I am very sorry… I mistook identity, I thought you were the person I had to kill but its not you!!!.. Sorry for the mistake….but it’s too late…I must run away from here now……. So said he was soon lost in nature….

Now the wounded man, bleeding a lot from the wound tried to contact his wife…. He called on her mobile, but she was not taking the call as she was busy somewhere in her works…

So this wounded man wrote this as SMS to her……

“Darling I am wounded, there is nobody here, I am all alone, someone hit me with a big knife, I am hit in the abdomen and am bleeding a lot…. Don’t know either I will come out of this…. if in case I die….so…. you be happy, don’t worry about me… you will anyhow have to live…. The show must go on sweetheart… life is very beautiful, do live it… I am sorry I won’t be near you any more darling…. As I said to you numerous times before… life is to be lived be it tough, hard, difficult or what….
I AM BLEEDING A LOT SWEETHEART…. MY HEART IS BEATING TOO FAST… I AM FEELING WEAK, THERE IS DARKNESS IN FRONT OF MY EYES, ITS BLURRED EVERYWHERE NOW…. IT’S BURNING WHERE HE HIT ME BABY…. BLOOD IS GOING ON OOZING…HE SAID HE MISSED IDENTITY…HE IS A KILLER AND HE WAS TO KILL SOMEBODY ELSE BUT HE MISTOOK ME FOR THAT PERSON… HE APPOLOGIZED AND THEN HE RAN AWAY….I LET HIM GO AS I SAW THE GUILT IN HIS EYES…

JAAN, MY HEART IS NOT GETTING ENOUGH BLOOD TO PUMP…. IT SEEMS IT WILL STOP BEATING NOW…AAH… MY HANDS AND LEGS ARE NOW SHAKING… I WONT BE ABLE TO WRITE MORE NOW… I CAN’T EVEN SEE WHAT I AM TYPING ON THE MOBILE…I AM DYING LOVE, I AM LEAVING YOU, LEAVING THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD NOW…. I WISHED TO LIVE MORE, I DON’T WANT TO GO BUT I AM ALONE HERE NOT A SINGLE LIFE SEEN HERE…OOHH!! … PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME IF EVER I HURT YOU BABY… I TRIED MY BEST TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND, I ALWAYS HELPED YOU OUT IN EVERY TASK, I ALWAYS DID MY BEST TO BE WITH YOU, I WISH I COULD STAY NEAR YOU FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS… BUT IT SEEMS DESTINY WANTS THE CONTRARY…. I AM SO SORRY AND SAD THAT WE DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS… HAD WE HAVE ONE I WOULD BE RELIEVED THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO LIVE WITH….. BUT SO SAD EVEN AFTER 17 YEARS OF MARIED LIFE WE HAD NONE DESPITE THE FREQUENTS VISITS TO THE GYNAECOLOGIST… I FEEL SAD NOBODY CALLED ME ‘DAD’… BUT NEVER MIND LOVE, YOU WERE BY MY SIDE THAT WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME…. YOU KNOW IT, MUST I REPEAT THAT I LOVED YOU, LOVE YOU AND WILL ALWAYS DO MY DARLING WIFE…I WILL ASK THIS QUESTION WITH GOD AFTER MEETING HIM WHY DID HE SEPARATE US WHEN HE KNOWS IT SO WELL THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH!!! MAY BE HE HAS A REASON… BUT I FIND IT CRUEL FROM HIS PART….
DO PAINT THE ROOM WHICH YOU WISHED TO BE PAINTED WHITE… SORRY I WILL NOT BE THERE TO DO IT NOW… DO LOCK THE GATE EVERY NIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP, DON’T GO OUT AFTER 9 PM, DO YOUR PC WORKS BEFORE 11 AND GO TO SLEEP BEFORE MIDNIGHT,…. TELL SAM I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM, ASK HIM NOT TO BEAR ANY GRUDGE WHEN I AM GONE… MY HEART IS BEATING TOO FAST NOW… I CAN FEEL AND HEAR IT… IT IS MISSING SOME BEATS… MY LEGS ARE SHAKING TOO MUCH….EVEN MY FINGERS ARE DOING SO… I CANT SEE NOW YET I AM TYPING THESE MESSAGES WITHOUT SEEING… I AM JUST FEELING THE KEYS TO TYPE…I HAVE WORRIES, HOW WILL YOU GO TO THE MARKET AS YOU NEVER WENT WITHOUT ME, HOW WILL YOU DO THE SHOPPING AT THE MALL AS YOU NEVER DID WITHOUT ME, HOW WILL YOU GO TO DO ALL THE THINGS WHICH USUSALLY I WAS DOING, HOW WILL YOU COPE WITH THE ODDS AS YOU WERE ALWAYS LEAVING ALL ODDS FOR ME.. I AM VERY WORRIED FOR YOU BABY… HOW WILL YOU DO ALL THAT WITHOUT ME??... YOU WILL BE HANDICAPPED!!THATS WHY I ALWAYS TOLD YOU TO DO THINGS BY YOURSELF….YOU WERE COUNTING TOO MUCH ON ME BABY… NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO LEARN TO DO POWER POINT PRESENTATION ALL ALONE, I WONT BE THERE TO DO IT FOR YOU BABY… ALL THAT I WAS DOING FOR YOU ON THE PC MUST BE DONE BY YOURSELF!!! I WONDER HOW YOU WILL COPE… I WISH I COULD BE BACK THERE TO DO ALL THAT FOR YOU MY LOVE…
BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS I WILL BE NO MORE…. FORGIVE ME DARLING… I DID NOT SUCCEED TO BE BY YOUR SIDE FOR AS LONG AS I PROMISED… MY LIPS ARE SHAKING NOW …AND TEARS ARE MIXED WITH BLOOD ON MY LIPS… I AM EVEN BLEEDING FROM THE NOSE AND MOUTH… MY THROAT IS STICKY…I WISH TO HAVE SOME CHILLED WATER SWEETHEART…. CAN YOU GET ME SOME?...ONLY A SIP WILL DO… I L O V E Y O U… W I LL A L W A Y S DO…”

…And the man died far from his beloved wife whom he loved more than anyone in the world. He had no one else apart from her and she had no one else apart from him…

Aisi Apni Wife ho………….

5'5" jiski height ho

Jeans jiski tight ho

Chehra jiska bright ho

Weight mein thori light Ho

Umer mein difference slight ho

Thori see wo quiet ho

Tu memorable her ek night ho

Aise apni Wife ho

Sadak per sab kahe: kya cute ho

Bhir me sab kahe: side ho, side ho

Amritsar ki paidaish ho

Saas ki khidmat jiski khwahish ho

Beauty multiply by Twice ho

Daddy Biji ki choice ho

Aisi apni Wife ho

Padosi jab baat kare tu

Haath me uskay knife ho

Dinner candle light ho

Tu Delecious har ek Bite ho

Dono mein na kabhi fight ho

Milne k baad dil delight ho…

Ankhain uski jaisay...sunny Twilight ho!

Honton ko dekh ker lagay...jaisay coke diet ho

Jab saari pehn k niklay tu kya sight ho

Aisa lagay jaisay switzerland ki flight ho

Favourite colour white ho

Make-up thora light ho

Zulfain Dynamite hoon…

Basant mein jaisay ur rahi koi kite ho !

Yeh kavita padhke sab kahain "Upkari Babu! tum right ho"

Aise apni Wife ho

Kaash yeh concept 100 % right ho

Agar aisi apni wife ho

Tu kya haseen life ho

Batoon mein garmaish ho

Har kisi ki yahi farmaish ho

Kudrat ki bhi aazmaish ho

Khudah ke software mein bhi,

Bug ki na gunjaish ho

Defence ki rehaaish ho

Driving main Right ho

Phir Very Long Drive ho

Kise ki bhi na look-a-like ho

Aey kaash, kahin to ek aisi paidaish ho

Aisi apni wife ho……

Aisi apni wife ho………

Well this what the girl replied after reading the poem of AISY APNI WIFE HO;

HUSBAND APNA AISSA BRIGHT HO""

6', 6'2" JISKI HIGHT HO ; JEANS DHEELI, PER BODY TIGHT HO

HUSNABD APNA AISABRIGHT HO

UFF TAK NA KERAY ITNA QUIET HO : DINNER BANAY WOH JAB BHI ROMANTIC NIGHT HO

SHOPPING KER KAI JAB BHI AOON , BOLAY BAIGUM TUM KITNY NICE HO

HUSBAND APNA AISA BRIGHT HO

MUJHE RANI BANA KE RAKKHAY ; TU PHIR ZINDAGEE DELIGHT HO

SAS SUSER KAI SAMNAY KAHAY ; JAAN TUM HAMESHA RIGHT HO

HAMESHA JO HAAR MAN JAY ; JAB BHI KABHI FIGHT HO

HUSBAND APNA AISA BRIGHT HO.

JAHAAN CHAHAY JAOON ,JO CHAHAY KEROON ,KUCH ISS TARHA KI LIFE HO

HER DOOSRAY WEEK GHOOMNAY PHIRNAY KI FLIGHT HO

AISA HO JAY TU M,AIN UROON ASMAAN MAIN JAISE KE ,KITE HO

HUSBAND APNA AISA BRIGHTHO.............

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your horse called up"